My friend called me up the other day and told me probably, hands down, the funniest story I’ve ever heard in my life. So funny that I don’t know if it’s actually true. Regardless of fact or fiction, it’s funny as hell and it reminded me of another story my ex told me a while back about a friend of his…..so I’ve been laughing 3 days straight just thinking about these stories. Do NOT read if you can’t stand toilet humor. First I’ll start with the one my friend told me just the other day. He’s been dating this girl off and on for a while. He wasn’t really into her, she was just convenient for him and she put out so he would let her come over from time to time fuck. He had been calling me up a lot to complain about her though. He was just annoyed by her and wanted to break up with her but she was a nice girl and he didn’t have the heart to break the news to her that he just wan’t into her. So one day she comes over to do the nasty with him and they end up falling asleep. He woke up with one of his comforters on his bed. He’s like ” it’s freakn’ hot in here why the hell is there a comforter on the bed” . He pushes the comforter off his bed and he revealed a big steaming turd. He’s telling me over the phone and this is exactly what he says ” dude there was a Hershey squirt in my bed”. Those words are just hysterical to me. So I start asking him ” was she still in your apartment?” he’s like “no, she left a fucking shit in my bed, tried to cover it up with another blanket and then fucking left.”. What makes this story truly funny is she never called him back…she just disappeared. He hasn’t called her and he’s telling me how the turd in the bed was the best thing ever to happen to him cause it broke them up.
So this story got me thinking of another story my ex boyfriend told me years ago. My ex use to body build and body builders tend to hang out with other body builders. Body builders have some of the nasty smelling bowl movements you will ever smell in your life. The high protein diet makes for some stank ass shit and body oder. My ex told me a story about this guy body builder friend of his who took this hot chick home from a club. Bodybuilder friend is telling my ex about how he took her home, banged her left right and sideways…fucked her on the floor fucked her on counters.. Post coitus, the two sluts feel asleep in each other’s arms. At some point in the middle of the night, bodybuilder friend wakes up to find this beautiful young slut laying in his arms. He’s spooning her, their legs are intertwined and he’s on his side with his buttcheeks pressed against her wall. without trying to disturb the sleeping beauty, he lets out a a hot steamy fart and realizes, that it wasn’t a fart at all, it was a shart. The guy starts to panic….He had his asshole pressed against the wall and splattered doodoo all over it. He tries to get up without waking this chick. He tiptoes to the bathroom to get some towels and stuff to clean the crap off the wall. He starts smearing the crap into the wall. It’s not cleaning up at all…it’s just smearing all over. So the guy grabs his stuff and leaves the chick there. I can only imagine what this girl was thinking when she woke up. She’s probably pissed that they guy left. Maybe she’s had a string of guys do this to her and she actually liked this one and she was hoping he would stay. She starting to think something’s wrong with her ” why does this keep happening ” she asks her self. Then as she’s cleaning up after the fuck fest she sees it. The smeared doo doo on the wall and then she thinks “Did this guy shit on my wall and leave?”
Then this got me thinking…how many times has something like this happend where one party does something they are totally embarrassed about and then flees the scene and are never heard from again? I wonder how many hearts have been broken by sharts? If some girls and guys only knew that they weren’t getting a call back soley because there’s a hidden dookie somewhere in their appartment….
Poop stories are funny. I know I’m totally immature and retarded for blogging about these things but I think they are hysterical. They are definitely more funny when you have someone vocally describe these details but a written account is the next best thing.