Archives July 2012

My favorite brand of workout clothing is FighterGirl. I love their board shorts so much. For my training, I am required to wear board shorts and one of my gym T-shirts with my gym’s logo on it. I must wear a gym shirt with our logo but the shorts free reign. These are my all time most favorite brand in the world. Thank you so so much for getting these off my wishlist. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.!!!

I competed in my first ever fitness competition on July 21st in Sacramento CA. It was one of the most exciting things I’ve done in a long time. It was exciting because it was unchartered territory for me; it was new and challenging. I didn’t know what to expect going into the show. I have been a long time fan of the shows. I’ve gone to see several of my friends compete in shows. I always hear the same stuff from my friends. ” The shows are so political” “it’s who you know and who you blow” ” everyone in this industry is a little crazy” “diets make these people so nuts”….so there was a stigma to the shows in my mind. There wasn’t much positive stuff I’d ever heard of the shows. I’m actually not even sure why I would have subjected myself to doing the shows after all the bad stuff I’d heard about shows and the people who compete. The million dollar question everyone has been asking me happens to be ” Why are you competing in a fitness competition”. The answer to me is simple: Because I can. There is more to the answer however. I did some research and picked a show that I felt would be a good “first show”. I wanted one with a good reputation, one that would have great quality women so I would feel like it were a real competition and one where some of my friends would be competiting so I wouldn’t feel like a lost puppy back stage. I also wanted to compete in a division that was right for me. I belive I’m too muscual for bikini and not muscular enough for figure. The WBFF has a division called “fitness diva” that is perfect for girls with my body type.

The biggest fear I had was that of the girls behavior back stage. I have heard so many stories of girls sabotaging each other back stage or girls going nuts on each other back stage. I can handle myself with crazy people but I don’t want some pysycho raining on my parade when I’m supposed to be having a good time.  A good friend of mine offered to help me prepare for my first show. She helped me with costumed, diet, walking, smiling and every thing else I wouln’t have though to “work on”. She convinced me to do a WBFFshows.com event. I asked around and found out the WBFF had a great reputation of putting on professional looking shows that ran smoothly. My friend also was aware of what I do for work and told me that the WBFF would be happy for me to compete in their shows regardless of the filthy porn I shoot as long as when I posted to my fans, I stayed positive and almost “role modelish” …now I have an issue with that a little. I don’t want to be fake. I’m not ashamed of making porn but I’m not going to fake being nice to people if I don’t feel like it. Porn is one of the best industries for a rebel like myself to be in. I don’t have to worrry about pissing off sponsors so I can say and do what ever I like. I’m not a negative person but I will NOT be fake. everyone….I mean everyone, even those fitness models with those gorgeous smiles and flawless bodies who only tweet and FB about how awesome life is and how positive they are and happy this and happy that….everyone has moments when we say ” screw this, I’m done for now” we all need to check out and reground ourselves. We all have good days and bad days. We all have cars that get bird shit on them and we all step in puddles from time to time. I’m not gonna fake it like every moment of my life is awe inspiring…it’s just NOT. If you think I’m a good role model ( you probably need your head checked ) then great and if you don’t think I’m a good role model then you’re probably smart. But no ONE person on this earth is worthy of being anyone’s role model. We should all pick bits and pieces of people we admire and live up to those bits and pieces and stop putting pressure on anyone to be held accountable to be the example of how perfect people should be. Trust me, those celebrities you’re all in love with and look up to all do dirty filthy things…I have dirt on everyone! but I’m a good girl and i keep secrets so I’ll move on now…look over there, it’s a distraction     ————————->

I’ll tell you about my journy for prepping for the show. In one of my previous blogs, I wrote about how I was limited in my prep time. I will always be limited in my prep time. People have been asking me “why don’t you pick a show you can prep for the 12 weeks you need and go in ready rather than prepping in 4 weeks” again, for me the answer is simple. I will never have 12 weeks to get ready for a show. I am a competitive athlete. I do competitive sports year round for a living. I make money being strong. It was a huge financial burden to me to take 6 weeks off after I had breast augmentation surgery….you think I can take 12 weeks off to diet down for a fitness show? comeon now. Do you know what a fitness model makes for winning an amateur show? she makes exactly – $1000 give or take…thats a negative sign in front of that $1000. That’s right. It costs a lot of money for these shows. hair/makeup/customes/tanning/accomodations if it’s out of town/ registration for the show/special dietary foods and supplements. This isn’t something any gal off the street can just sign up to do unless she’s got a really great job or super rich sugar daddy or mommy and daddy. Then training for these shows is a full time job. cardio in the AM then weight training then cardio in the PM…then meal preps…don’t get me started..I was in the kitchen about 10 hours a week prepping meals and packaging them so I could take them to work with me. I am a obsessive nut. Everything needs to package nicely with lables on it. I had to weigh my food every time I ate. I had to carry around a friggin scale it was awesome looking like douche every time I ate. It certainly was a good ice breaker. People see me measuring my food and see how ripped I’m getting and they start asking me what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and how it works.

The upside and down side to getting super ripped

it’s pretty cool to have strangers come up to you and have them complement you on how awesome you look. I’m in pretty amazing shape year round so I get complimented a lot anyhow….oK I’m not trying to sound like a narcistic asshole…I AM going somewhere with this. ……..Nothing compared to the attention I got when i leaned down to 114lbs. I was having guys and girls literally fall over themselves to come open doors for me and ask me about what I do for a work out and compliment it. I love compliments, who doesn’t. The downside come after the show was over. I went several weeks on caloric deficit. I was a lean mean sex machine. I felt a mental toughness I hadn’t felt in years. Even from doing all the bondage I’ve done, the toughest I’ve ever felt was when I saw food I wanted and I turned it down. True discipline comes when you know you can have something but you chose NOT to….not when a dom doesn’t let you have it so you do what the dom wants until you can have what you want. I tortured myself for weeks on end. I grew so accustomed to not giving myself pleasures that soon I stopped craving them. I got so lean, so tiny. I felt like a different person…not like “I feel like  new man” or that crap…no I mean…to the touch, I didn’t have the body fat, I felt like a boy…..

Let me give you some back ground on myself and I’ll do this quickly since I’m rambling on and on anyway and this is getting unbearable to read I’m sure. From age 14 to 22 I struggled with body dismorphia and I struggled on and off for many years with anorexia and bulemia.  A lot of people who get into body building have body dysmorphic  view however for them, they think they are too small and need to get more and more muscles….same disorder, different reasons.

That’s the back ground…..here’s the downside to contests: I was being judged on my looks. I have never been judged on my looks. I go in to my competitions and I kick ass. I win, there is always a definite winner in the sport I do. I submit people. I pin people….I WIN. I have never been judged on looks. for months before I signed up for the fitness competition I stressed about “what if I’m not pretty enough in the judges eyes, what if I’m too fat, what if I’m too muscular for bikini, what if I’m not muscular enough for fitness” I stressed and stressed. When I started dieting, I got so many compliments and so many people telling me how “proud” they were of me. There was all this positive attention coming from dieting, from being skinny, from being something I wasn’t on a regular basis. Everyone wanted to know what the first thing I wanted to eat after the show would be. The first thing I ate was a salad because I was scared I would get fat. I had that salad and the next morning I weighed myself and I had put on 3lbs and I looked thicker. My old 14-22year old brain started to play tricks with me. I said ” you can’t ever eat like you use to because you’ll stop getting compliments’ and then the 32 year old fighter in me, bitch slapped that silly side of me and told her to shut the fuck up. I’m a strong person. I am eating well now and doing just fine. I’m back up to 124lbs and it’s only been 5 days since my show. I look fantastic. I look thick compared to the show girl I was but I’m more content. The thoughts I had concerned me. I wonder if other girls go through that. I wonder if a weaker girl would fall into the downward spiral of constantly needed reassurance that she looks good and she would starve herself and destroy her body to look good for some people. I do not know if eating disorders are common amongst fitness competitors but I wanted to share my story in hopes that it may reach someone who had similar thoughts and experiences. I consider myself to be a very strong individual and I am willing to help anyone who has struggled with body dysmorphic or self esteem issues.

enough rambling….so here are some pix from the show. I got 3rd in bikini. I was very honored to get put in top 3 considering all 7 ( I think there were 7…or maybe 9 girls…can’t remember) were stunning women. Seriously. The girls in the contest were extremely good looking and fit. I did not place top 3 in the fitness competition which I will be honest really bummed me out but I will come back stronger and more prepared next time. I do think I will do more of these contests. What ever stigmas the shows have had in the past are gone. The tans are not orange and gross looking. The women are extremely fit and feminine and sexy and fun and smart and awesome. ….as are the men I can’t forget about the men. The promoters are not sleazy. The fans are great….I had an amazing experience. Thank you to the WBFF for having me. I look forward to doing more competitions soon.

My fitness competition is only 9 days away. It seems so far away yet seems so close almost like I’m not ready for it and need more time. I am a competitive athlete. I need to have strength in what I do for a living. Aside from needing to look somewhat hot for the porn videos I make and aside from the porn wrestling I do, I also am a competitive athlete outside of my job. I compete in internationally recognized tournaments and competitions ranging from MMA, BJJ and triathlons.  I need to keep my strength for those competitions. Looking good on stage is nice and all but what it takes to look that way is not conducive to being a competitive athlete. Most the girls who do these fitness/figure/bodybuilding shows start dieting 6-10 weeks before the competition. I suppose my normal every day eating habits are comparable to what these girls call a “diet” but I still take in more calories than what a competitive fitness model takes in.  I had 2 big tournaments I was preparing for that I needed to stay strong for up until july 1st. I was in London until July 2nd. My fitness comp is July 21 which gave me exactly 19 days to start my super diet to prepare for the show. Dieting while abroad is NOT hard.  Almost every place in the world has a place you can find chicken breast and veggies. The hard part was knowing that I needed carbs to be able to stay in Peak condition for my matches but knowing that those carbs were going to make my 19 days of dieting all the more hard. Come July 3rd, when I was back in the states the diet started. I have been limited to 4 meals a day, egg whites and berries in the morning, 5 oz tilapia and 1 cup asparagus at around noon, 5oz chicken and 1cup green beans around 4pm and at around 8pm I got to top my day off with 5oz of sardines and 1 cup green beans…I am quite good with spices so I made all these things taste rather enjoyable. That’s just about 100o calories a day for my diet the last 11 days but what I’m expending is just about 2500 calories. I am doing heavy running in the AM..nice and early at 6am I get up and run hills. I still lift weights just not as heavy as I’m use to. Then I have a 1 hour hike in the afternoon. 2 hours of grappling at night and then a nice 1 hour jog in the evening. This has been my life the past 11 days. The exercise is nothing..this is easy compared to the routine I do on a regular basis but on a regular basis I’m also use to having about 2500-4000 calories in my belly to burn. This has been a true shock my my system. I’m tired all the time and a little groggy in the brain. When people try to talk to me I just sit and hear them….I don’t listen, I just hear. I seem to have little patience with people. If someone does something completely lame, I call them on their bullshit as opposed to shutting up and letting it slide  as I usually do.

Anyfart…we all know dieting makes people moody. that’s not why I’m writing this blog.

Up until a few days ago, I was fine with the diet. Today it’s hurting. I did a really heavy day of workouts. My fitness competition coach gives me the workout I should be going but we don’t calculate the stuff I need to do for my martial arts training. I’m probably training too much but I’m not going to stop my training to do this show. On the other hand, my fitness coach reminds me that I only had 19 days to switch my diet and change up exercise routine while the other girls had 6 weeks….so I am doing the crash course on dieting and routine to get into shape for the show so that extra work I’m doing my be saving my ass to keep up with the other girls. I’m interested to see how I look compared to the girls who did the 6-10 weeks of diet. Sometimes I think I’m too small for the division I’m in. I’m doing the WBFFshows.com fitness diva competition. They want us to be muscular, more muscular than a bikini model or a fitness model but not as muscular as a figure model. I do not have to do the tumbling acts or wear an evening gown like the fitness and bikini models do. I start getting worried that I’m dieting too much and I’m getting too small and them my coach forwards me pics of other girls who won the show I’m doing and then I start panicking that I’m way to muscular for the division I’m in. I feel like a misfit. I’m too muscular for fitness and not muscular enough for figure. I guess I could always take the easy way out and just stop working out and soften up a lot to do bikini but I am already insecure about being this small now. I prefer to be bigger. I prefer to be 125lbs, I’m down to 115lbs now. While I was competing in my BJJ tournament I went up to 128lbs since they were putting me in the heavier divisions ( there were not girls at my 125 weight so they bumped me to the 131-150 weight class) so I went from 128 down to 115 in the last 11 days.

Sunday I get to switch up my diet and exercise routine. I do protein and fat diet and less cardio but more intense cardio with tabata style weight lifting….should be fun. I am just happy to mix things up a bit. Oh Oh and I get 6 meals a day as opposed to 4 but no green beans or asparagus from now on, just tablespoons of flax seed oil…yum.

I absolutely love these BeBe dresses. This is hte black version of the blue one I posted earlier. thank you soooo much to indigo for getting this for me.

Someone got this for my birthday and I thought since Comic Con is going on this week, I’d take some special pictures and post them in honor of the convention. Thank you for the cute outfit

xxo