Where’s My Mind – XXX stories from Ariel X

just a regular day

Where’s My Mind

by admin August 30, 2010

So it’s been a while since I had a personal update on this blog. I’ve had a lot going on lately to say the least. I don’t know where to start other than by saying, I need to get some shit of my chest and I want to be heard. I don’t know what I want, empathy, sympathy…I don’t know, I just want to be heard and have my story told, like “The Ring” So you will have to copy my story or you will die in 7 days..hahah JK….please don’t share this with anyone…if they are real fans or friends they will read this on their own. This is for real supporter’s eyes only!!!

Let me start back about 5 months ago. My guy and I have been together about 3 years. We have had some rocky times but who doesn’t. I thought we were destined to be together so I put up with a lot of shit…and believe me, he put up with a lot of shit as well. Regardless of what your rules and boundaries are in your relationship, it is hard for a man to date a woman in the adult industry. We had an open relationship. He didnt’ care if I fucked women and I didn’t ‘care if he did either…but I had rules. I needed to have the woman acknowledge my existence and say hi and be nice ( there is no way in hell I’d let him fuck a girl who was rude to me) and he had to be safe and have fun. I wont go into details but I just want to express that our relationship was flawless for the first year and then he push and tried my boundaries and rules…over and over….5 months ago he did something that betrayed me beyond anything I could imagine. I supposed I should let y’all know that he was the first man I had been with in avery very long time. I dont trust men to begin with. This man I fell for was something special. He was beautiful, inside and out and he told me everything and made me feel like a queen for the first year or so. I made a giant leap by allowing myself to trust him. I gave myself to him wholy. He did break my heart in and turn, rather than saying goodbye, I allowed myself to turn into a bitch and nag him and criticize him in all he did. We went on a break 5 months ago. Since then we have been off and on again..nothing new….we were always off and on…this time was a little more serious than the others though. When I go through a break up, I do not try to sleep around and fuck myself numb. I do the exact opposite. I hide away from all sexual things as I don’t want to share myself with anyone. I didn’t do a lot of erotic work while we were on this break…that was my choice..I just didn’t feel right. The one thing I could manage to do for work was my wrestling work. It kept me sane and kept me on my toes. I love wrestling more than any THING in this world. My love life has NEVER interfered with my wrestling.

About 3 weeks ago, I busted my hand and wrist in a wreslting match…I was scared I would have to forfeit the summer vengeance tournament and cancel some other jobs. I broke a finger, sprained2 others fingers and sprained my wrist and told people I only sprained the wrist and finger so that I could still compete…This was not a big deal as I did heal…I am still in recover but I have full range of motion and no deformities. I have been wrestling and working out just fine but that was some added stress.

Relationship issues don’t fuck up my mental game…but when you mess with my son, that’s when things start to break me down. About 2 weeks ago, my son was admitted into the hospital. He was wisked away in an ambulance after I sat holding him at his school for 9 hours. He was gone for 6 days. I did not know if I would ever see him again. I learned that he will have a serious problem for the rest of his life and that in and of itself has thrown me into a deep and dark depression. He has been out for a week and a half and seems fine on the surface. I am so happy he is home..over joyed…but depression lingers. My mind is gone…it’s in la la land. I am there but I am not. I can’t focus. I can’t eat..nothing makes me smile. I burst into tears for apparently no reason. I am tired all the time and can’t sleep. I am easily irritated and quick to bit people’s heads off. things that use to bring me joy simply do not bring me joy any more.

I lost to Vendetta last week for the summer vengeance tournament. That fucked me in the head even more. It was a fight I shouldn’t have taken. I probably should have just withdrawn from the tournament but I didn’t want to be that much of a recluse. I new I had to work and still function. On the mats with her I was slow, sluggish and weak. She definitely was one step ahead of me at all times. There was absolutely nothing I could have done to prepare for that mentally. Physically I did my routine. I did heavy weights for 8 weeks before the match and then the last 2 weeks I lighten my load. I carbed up the day before. I boosted my cardio..I was in GREAT shape physically but mentally, i was a train wreck. I do not wish to take away from Vendetta’s amazing performance. She probably would have kicked my ass anyway but at least it would have been much closer. At least I wouldn’t be coming down on myself so hard for losing.

Things are getting better day by day. My son seems to be recovering well and I am slowly but surely able to go out and have “me time”..I am able to go to the gym and get my workouts done where as before I could go to the gym but I couldn’t even think about lifting weights. I would do one set and then say ” fuck it, go home”. I have been going to the beach a lot. The sun and sand and sound of the waves has been helping me relax. I have even stepped into a BJJ gym once or twice to grapple with some babes for fun. That alone has been a life saver. I go for 3 mile walks every day and that helps me look at the beauty in the world and think more positively. I spend some good nights with my son after he gets out of school and we just watch movies and each icecream which has been one of the most fun I’ve had in a long long time. Things are getting better. I am getting through all this

So…that’s my life in a nutshell right now. and for those of you who have been clicking the links on my blog and buying stuff….thank you thank you thank you…every sale I make through this blog gets me a penny or two and those pennies add up..so please keep buying and please help put food on my table and pay the crazy medical bills I have racked up…yes I have insurance but I have copays and all that jazz…it adds up!!

I love you guy…I couldn’t have gotten through this with out all you lovelies!!!

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21 comments

John Trotta August 31, 2010 at 8:49 am

Ariel,

What a great entry…your willingness to share your journey proves how genuine a person you are.
Saying too much in response isn't necessary. You are taking the correct approach by living for yourself and for your son. Everything else becomes secondary at that point anyhow!!!
As a fan I will definatley continue to support you by buying your products and via this blog.
Please do not hesitate to continue your request for support. I am sure that your other fans will agree and offer the same support.
Please know that I love all your material and though new to this blog I check it daily as one of my simple enjoyments.
Your are a truly good person and though at times things seem dark there are some good people out there not totally consumed with themselves.
Glad your son is doing well, hope his recovery continues.

Your Friend and Fan,

John

ArielX August 31, 2010 at 10:27 am

John,
Thank you so much for the nice comment. I comtemplated writing about the last few months. The amazing thing that has come out of all the madness is my being able to see and feel the love from all my supporters and it feels really effing good!!!!
Thank you for everything.
xoxox

John Trotta August 31, 2010 at 11:51 am

Ariel,

Actually, thank you for allowing us a peek into your life. Without being cliche, we have all been at the same crossroads…it helps to have support.
You definitely have mine.
John

Lesbianangl4u August 31, 2010 at 7:51 pm

<3<3<3…so moved…h&k

Flyboy September 1, 2010 at 6:33 am

I was absolutely shocked to see you lose – I've kind of kept you on a pedestal for a while. But Vendetta certainly looked tough, and had a presence like she was possessed by demons or something. Google "zanshin."

I've done the hospital tour with my boy as well; it was a couple of years ago and managed to fall in place with getting laid off and learning that we had another baby on the way. Everything is fine now, better than fine, but it was a tough patch living in a time when everything seemed to fall apart at once. I think that it was the workouts – especially the fighting – that kept me sane and gave me the endurance to outlast the circumstances.

Training for fighting keeps you pure, and your fighter's heart is what sets you apart for your fans. Thanks for sharing a little of your humanity with us, and I hope your boy stays healthy and happy.

Guest September 2, 2010 at 10:45 am

Ariel: Sorry to learn about your series of unfortunate events. A few thoughts, all of which come from personal experience: (1) Your description of your sadness, your sudden weepiness and your avoidance of people are indeed signs of clinical depression. You should strongly consider seeing a doctor, either for psycotherapy or medication…the latter can help you considerably, but it may take time to find the right medication. (2) Hand injuries are VERY problematic and if not treated properly, you can have long-lasting problems. I am older than you but am still rehabbing a hand injury side-effect two years after the injury and probably face therapy for as long as I live; a friend of mine suffered a similar problem. (3) I was sorry and surprised that you lost your match, but you were clearly not the same as last year. Now we know why. (4) Your son is the most important thing in the world, so spend as much time with him as you can. It's hard to believe how quickly they grow up, but they do. Enjoy your time with him now; he will never be this age again.

Take care of yourself, and good luck to you both.

NaturalBorn421 September 3, 2010 at 2:32 pm

It’s good that you finally let it out….. That get the ball rolling.

The positive correlation between your health and your son’s health will start to show. I guarantee it. You’ll find yourself able to actually breathe and the random bursts of tears will subside too. Surround yourself with positive folks, and they’ll continue to encourage u. If thr stress keeps mounting, those walks will help along with kickboxing. Find something to strike that won’t hurt u….. Or anyone else

Wilko September 6, 2010 at 1:21 am

Discovered your blog today, but am an admirer of you for quite some years already. Being single father of two kids, I can understand what it was you must have been gone trough the last few weeks… I won't buy anything via your affiliate links (but I promise, if I ever buy something online, I'll warn you first… maybe you can set up an aff-link just before I buy ;)), but I'll link to your blog from some of my sites, so you might get more traffic.

And another tip : Plz change the settings for your blogs permalinks : in the 'day/title' format you'll get higher ranking in searchresults.

ArielX September 7, 2010 at 10:13 pm

Thanks for the tip, I\’ll look into that

shawna September 9, 2010 at 11:40 pm

(multiple parts/ comments due to word limit)
Ariel, thank you for sharing such personal things with us. I’m sure it was very diifficult to decide if you would get this personal with those who are fans. I know you consider your fans as friends and it is good to see the support and interaction here. I haven’t had a chance to check your blog out this year until now. I seem to have a little time on my hands away from work, once again, recovering from another surgery. I am enjoying catching up with your happenings in life, but I am sad to hear this is going on.

shawna September 9, 2010 at 11:41 pm

(cont’d)
Depression, whether from chemical imbalances in the brain, or from circumstances in life that produce loss, sadness, great emotions, loss of control, heartbreak, or desire to be numb, withdraw, edgy, or lack desire to live– these feelings are real, regardless of the source, and they can be like cancer, and become more crippling. In a sense, your ability to recognize the source of sadness and depression in your life, and your ability to share with others (which I know wasn’t easy), are tools for healing. It’s a necessary component for being healthy and becoming whole again. By doing this, you take a step towards getting better , while the rest of us are inspired, and together, we all grow and receive strength to continue living this thing called life.

Shawna September 9, 2010 at 11:43 pm

(cont’d)
It is my sincere hope that you find peace and continued strength through this. I’m not going to tell you that you are strong for enduring this. It’s hard sometimes when an outsider say’s “you’re so strong” or “I couldn’t do that, you’re amazing.” All the while, these statements make us close up even more or hide away so that no one will see how much we struggle, or how much we hurt, or how painfully weak we are. But alas, this is what makes us human, and if we all continue to pretend to be brave and strong when we’re hurting so deeply inside, then how can we have empathy and love and compassion? When someone pretends all is ok, it only furthers their sadness and depression. It’s human nature to want to nurture and help others. But we can only do that of they let us into their lives, into their hearts, and into their minds. Thank you for letting us in with this blog entry. As you can see, people tend to have more respect and admiration when they know just how human you are.

shawna September 9, 2010 at 11:44 pm

(cont'd)
I sincerely hope your son's health improves and that you are able to find stable ground in dealing with his health challenges. I can only imagine a mothers love for her child and desire to protect and shield and to keep safe. Your son is very fortunate to have you as his mother.

Your health is important too. I know how deep and dark depression can be. I know what it's like to be out of your mind and on the edge of despair. I can only imagine how much more difficult it is as you try to be brave for your son. Your depression, reactions, emotions, and actions are normal considering the circumstances. The light will emerge again, just keep holding on. It doesn't mean you're brave or strong. It means you're human, and you’re not a quitter. You will endure, but you will be immune to nothing. Thus is life.

shawna September 9, 2010 at 11:46 pm

(cont'd)
You're aware to some degree of some of the challenges I've had in life. I don't wish them on myself or anyone else, but facing them, enduring them, and coming out a better and stronger person because of them, is a refiners fire, and I can't imagine learning or growing any other way. You may think I'm just being cordial here, but I am a mental health therapist, and I am bored and will be bored for another 5 weeks away from work, so please consider that I am available, desirous, (and free of charge!) to listen, support, counsel, care, and help you any way you need to get healthy mentally, and to heal, and eventually to conquer. You know how to reach me if you so choose, but this offer doesn't have any conditions—it's because I care about you, and you have made a difference in my life, and I thank you for that. You can be as human as you possibly care to be with me. Anger, regret, profanity, tears, sadness, bitterness, guilt, pain, love, loss, depression, anguish and hope are all welcome with me. This offer will always stand.

shawna September 9, 2010 at 11:49 pm

Hang in there.
Take good care of yourself.
The light will come.
You will make it through this, even if you're beat to all hell, and you will then rise above it, and be stronger and better because of it. But you will have to go through it. You can't go around it. It will really suck and test you in ways you never imagined. But you will pull through, and so will your son 😉

~Shawna

petesh September 10, 2010 at 4:11 am

Ariel,
That was a beautiful blog post, and I hope the support and comments you've received have really bought a smile to your face.

Also hoping that your son's health continues to improve, and that you come through all these challenges with extra strength and determination for you and your son.

I smiled when I read about your evenings with ice cream and movies, ice cream fixes everything! 🙂

Your aussie fan,
Shannon xo

arikh September 12, 2010 at 8:07 am

Dear Ariel, forgive me for start talking about the wrestling part.
you are my favorite wrestler in US, that's not because you are the biggest or the strongest, you're not. but I saw you winning due to your fighter spirit and super will power, which no other matches them. when the update of your match against Vendetta was up and I watched it, I knew something is wrong, your fighting spirit was a little off. I believe the regular Ariel should have beaten Vendetta, as you did last season. Vendetta didn't change her tactics. it's just you who was a little off.
nevertheless, despite your menatl situation, you gave a very close match, the closest of all the tournoment. that's says much. other great wrestlers suffered a much larger defeats, so don't give yourself a hard time about that match.

I do believe that your fighting spirit you shows on the wrestling mat is also on your other aspects of life, including your personal one. the wrestling is non-scripted, so is life. and you are a fighter in your soul. that's why I believe in your inner strength to go through bad situations in life, as well as in wrestling.
you are a winner and a champion, don't forget that.

Mitchell Rivera January 24, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Wow I clicked on your site just to see pics and instead got into your personal stories. lol. I read what you said about the bf. Personally as a man I don't think you should trust a guy that you "allow" to sleep with other women. I think that's the problem right there in of itself. I mean most men have the fantasy about their gf with another woman or being with two girls. But even if you think because you sleep with girls it's fair to allow him to go sleep with girls

ArielX January 24, 2011 at 10:53 pm

I'm glad you found my blog. I try to give y'all a reason to come to this site. Pictures and crap you can find on any site…but this blog is me…it's, sure people will copy and paste crap from it but here and only here will you get ME 🙂

I hear everything about what you're saying..I let the guy get away with too much…of course he'd wanna taste all the flavors if I let him and it was stupid of me to think he'd actually dig me..I guess maybe he did feel like if i was willing to share him them I must not be that into him..I'm sure I made him feel like I wasn't into him a lot. I always kept myself distant to him. Ah well..that was then and this is now. He's my best friend now so I get all the nice guy qualities without having to take any of his lip LOL

Mitchell Rivera January 24, 2011 at 9:53 pm

you should think again because it's not. I'll tell you why as a man because no man is going to go out sleeping with other women and not consider the potential future with that woman in his mind. Sure some he won't but he will consider being with the women he likes more whether you know it or not. And it doesn't matter who the guy is. I mean just the fact that you bring other women home and have sex with women should turn him on enough. If you're not going out sleeping with other men then he souldn't with women no matter what. It would be one thing if you were doing dudes on camera but you're only doing girl girl. He should consider himself lucky your not prude, hot and you keep things real spicy for him and not with other men. If you wanted to have a threesome with him then have it maybe tell her don't touch him I don't know that's up to you. But even if the idea of him with a girl turns you on you need to not let him because he's not going to know how to act from then on and you lose the control. At least as far as sex is concerned you need to be in control of that part and not

Mitchell Rivera January 24, 2011 at 9:53 pm

allow him to sleep with women for it work. I'm being dead honest and I'm a guy who would sleep with as many girls as I could but I'm telling you in that situation if it were me what would keep me in the relationship would be me not being allowed to sleep with other women. And I've cheated on some girls and others I haven't but if I had a girl tell me I could sleep with other chicks and she was only gonna sleep with chicks I would think o.k. it's party time. I wouldn't take the relationship serious at all. On the other hand if I had a girl who was sleeping with women it'd probably turn me on even more when I had sex with her and I'd probably want a threesome also but if she didn't allow me to truthfully I might take it as a sign she's more into me even though I would still want a threesome I probably might actually be more into the relationship as long as she was there for me and didn't irritate me. I mean ask Howard Stern what man doesn't love lesbians? Who the hell would not wanna see their girl with hot chicks? lol.

Good luck

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