Category just a regular day

I didn’t forget about you awesome folks who have been sending me stuff. I couldn’t shoot for a while I have been moving back and forth between LA and SF then I had surgery and I honestly couldn’t pose very cute for pictures. My leg is doing great. Im away ahead in my PT, I’m able to do a little bit of a work out now so my confidence is coming back and I found my camera  ( which was lost in the moving for a while) So now I have no excuses. So here ya go. Thank you for this amazing jacket that matches my cool shoes I picked up for myself the other week. MUAH. love you

I’m 3 weeks post Op. I had to switch to a PT in San Francisco. Kaiser is lame and forced me to do a regular doctor consult before they would give me a PT even though my surgeon in Los Angles had already put a referral. Insurance Politics are lame. no biggie, It’s just a waste of time and money.

I’m feeling okay. At night I’m in some pain but it’s manageable. The pain is from severe patella tendonitis. It feels like someone is rubbing an eraser super fast under my knee cap 24/7. The PT exercises my first PT gave me are getting easy. I’m ready to move on to the next tier of pain. I was able to go to the gym this morning. I haven’t been able to walk very much since I made a 6 hour drive from LA to SF ( doctor would not approve me to fly because my knee could explode like a baked potato in a microwave from the cabin pressure).

I’m in love with my new job at kink. My boss is cool as hell and my team is just great. We are all a bunch of nerds so we “get” each other. It’s pretty rad. I’m really excited for the big US match we have coming out Feb 15th. Its the one I’ve ben Fbing and Tweeting about non stop. The Super Mega Awesome Battle Dream Supreme. Its the video where Syd Blackovich and Dragon Lily come back in as team captians. They pick their teams and each girl is put against another girl on the opposing team for one 8 minute round. There are 12 girls total which means there are 6 rounds. Its some of the most intense wrestling I’ve ever seen and the prize round is off the HOOK And there’s a bonus gang bang scene in there y’all should check out.. yours truly gets it from the 6 winners. 🙂

I’m sure most of you have heard about Measure B passing in LA county this last election on Nov 6th. Measure B requires porn stars to wear condoms for any and all videos shot within the Los Angeles Country. That means guys must wear condoms for scenes with women or men and Women must use dental Dams in scenes with other women. I’m am not in utter shock that this measure passed but I am in utter shock that it was even on the ballot. Whether you watch porn or not, I’m sure you have read articles or seen stuff in the news about the proposition to mandate the use of condoms in porn. I’m sure most of you who don’t watch porn probably thought, “yeah people should wear condoms when they have sex” and so you voted Yes without understanding what you were doing. I’m sure your intentions were good but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  The LA times wrote a pretty decent article endorsing the “NO ON B” stance. The only problem I had with the article in the LA times was that it likend the use of condoms for the “protection of the worker” to that of the use of a helmet on a construction worker “for the protection of the worker”. My problem with this analogy is that the sale of the end product of what ever a construction worker is working on does not directly correlate to the fact that the construction worker wore that helmet.  A business owner doesn’t decide NOT to buy a property because he saw the construction workers wearing helmets when they were building the structure. Nor does a business owner decide to buy a property purely because he DID see the construction workers wearing helmets.

A better analogy would be Runway models and for the sake of making it easy I will refer to run way models as female but males are included here as well. Run way models look a certain way to sell products. The way they look directly correlates to the sale of what ever product they are modeling ( sound familiar?) Most successful and sought after runway models are extremely tall and thin. Some are naturally thing while others put themselves at risk with eating disorders to maintain the desired run way look. The model puts herself at risk so that she can work. Her job is to sell the clothing she’s modeling. Let’s say there were a law passed in California that required all runway models to be within what the government considered a “healthy weight” category because being under these weight was putting the model at a health risk and also causes young people to develop eating disorders since they are seeing these bone thin models as role models.  Let’s say this was the chart hypothetically so you guys have an idea of where I’m going with this.

What do you think would happen to run way models in California? They would move, there would no longer be runway shows in California. Designers still would use the waif thin models for their shows because that’s what sells. Teen girls and boys will still be influenced by the waif look and still develop their own body dysmorphia problems. There will be NO change to the fashion industry other than the fact there will be no more runway models in California.  This is much like what is going on with porn. So if Porn is being told what to do by the government thanks to you voters , then why not mandate healthful weights for Models? They are putting themselves and the public at risk….inspiring eating disorders and self image problems., heck why not ban contact sports those guys put themselves at risk…..maybe boxers should wear body condoms since they get blood on each other and put each other at risk. Then while we are at it, let”s ban all any extreme sport like river rafting, sky diving motor cross, even nascar ( there’ve been a few deaths from those) lets make it so no one ever puts themselves at a risk. Let’s stop driving cars…those have killed a few people……of course I’m going extreme but every extreme measure starts with a small step. If a measure such as my hypothetical runway model one were on the same ballot as measure B, I am willing to bet that people wouldn’t have voted to mandate this hypothetical model weight measure…..so why did they vote to mandate condoms in porn. People like to pick on porn. People in porn are pariahs, we are seen as lesser people because of what? because we have sex? so you think you should be able to boss us around and tell us how to do every single thing we do because we sin differently than YOU?

What the voters who thought they were doing good did was unknowingly open the gateway for their own rights to be taken away. it’s baby steps towards having the government run your life in every way. You poor sad sheeple.

I went to see the “Book of Mormon” musical at the Pantages Theater. I’m not a big fan of Musicals. I never have been. I’m really not a big fan of muscials that have been formed after 1998. Modern Musicals sound like utter garbage to me. They may have decent stories but the music and singing is so shrill and horrific that it has utterly turned me off to going to see them. Shows like Wicked, for example, have such horrible singing that it has ruined the entire show for me. It sounds like the characters are screaming their lines out with no melody or skill, just yelling lines…it’s god aweful. The story is beautiful and clever but damn I can’t stand the singing. I was scared that the singing in BOM would be an utter dissapointment. To my delight, it was rather good and melodic. The songs were catchy  but not unique as far as melody. They seemed to have been cut from a mold of all broadway musicals. What set it apart from other shows was the clever lyrics and dancing. The sets or costumes were nothing special so if you’re expecting costume theatrics of the likes of the “lion king” or something, don’t get your hopes up. I didn’t expect any amazing costume design. The characters are mormon missionaries who are notorious for wearing their white dress shirts with a black tie and black “sunday pants” or dress pants. The remainder of the characters were Ugandians dressed in rags so not much flare in their costumes was either.

The story is about Two Mormon MIssionaries who are sent to Uganda to try to baptise and convert the Afrian people. One Mormon Missionary is your typical do gooder named Kevin. A goody two shoes, know it all who wants to be the best of everything he does and has an expectation of going to Orlando Florida for his first mission but is seriously dissapointed when he is paired up with Arnold, the nerdy, ADHD spaz who has actually never read the book of mormon but just does what he’s told cause he’s a follower. It’s an odd couple pairing.

The Tribe of Uganda who is hosting the missionaries is being harrassed by an evil dictator who wants to cut off all the females clits cause the clit is evil and women shouldn’t be able to have pleasure cause it leads to all things evil. Most of the tribe has AIDS and the tribe leader even jokes to the 2 missionaries that if they mess with his daughter, he will give them his AIDS. So the dictator is trying to control the tribe, the tribe is desparate for a solution to their problems and wouldn’t you know, after a whole lot of subplots and funny shenanigans, the guy they end up going to for help is Arnold, the kid who has never read the bible and who is a major “screw up” but who is desparately trying to impresse people so he makes up things about the book of mormon to try to get the tribe to find it interesting enough to convert. Arnold is a huge sci fi nerd so he mixes in stories of Darth Varder and the death Star and stories of the mormon founder, Joseph Smith fucking a frog to rid himself of AIDS. The Afriacans are hooked on the religion and decide to convert. Arnold single handedly converts 20 africans and this pleases the Elders of the church back in the states so they come to Africa to thank him personally. The Africans want to show their appreciation of Arnold as well so they decide to put on a play for the elders to show them everything they have learned, included the part about Joseph smith fucking a Frog so that he wouldn’t have to fuck a baby to cure his aids. The elders are extremely offended and kick Arnold and his partner who during some of the Shenanigans had dumped Arnold as a friend and then gotten in to some trouble with the evil dictator and got a Book of Mormon shoved up his ass. Kevin realizes that Religion is good, even if it’s all a bunch of mad of crap, because it helps people cope with the shitty things in their life. Before the Africans where using the phrase “hasa Diga eebowai” to cope with their issues…….but now they had awesome stories about Joseph Smith curing AIDs with frog fucking to make them have faith that things could get better. It was a cute play and a good moral. I was raised Mormon so I found a lot of the things in the play to extremely hysterical. I really was entertained by the flamboyantly gay missionary who was telling Kevin and Arnold about the “mormon trick” of just shutting off all your confusing thoughts so that you just didn’t think about them….thoughts like being gay….just shut it off and ignore it cause that’s what mormons do…..and then another mormon chimes in about how his dad use to beat his mom when he was a kid and he used the mormon trick as well and just “shut it off” its all rather humourous and sad if you know mormons.

Any fart…..that’s my review. I thought it was really delightful, mostly cause there was toilet humor and that is always hysterical but it was cute and it’s not forcing religion down your throat but it does put a nice spin on things AND it explains a lot about what the mormon faith is which I think is nice for those ignorant people out there who think mormons are evil. I recommend this show to anyone.

someone sent me this dress probably about 4 or 5 weeks ago. I haven’t been able to really stand without my knee brace on so I’ve fallen behind on taking sexy pictures for my blogs to say thank you to people who have sent me stuff off my wishlist. I didn’t forget about you guys and I’m not an ungrateful bitch….I just didn’t really feel sexy in a brace. I’m now walking around sans brace and I am doing cardio again…yay…so here come the pix. thank you for your patience and support everyone. I feel the love and it feels so good.

Some of you may have heard on facebook or twitter that I jacked my left knee pretty good the other day. I’m actually sick of writing the story out a dozen times to people individually so I am just going to blog about what happend and what’s going on. I will not be wrestling for the rest of 2012 in a competitive fashion. Don’t worry, I have shot all I can shoot for this year’s Summer Vengeance so the tournament will not be effected.

About 2 days ago, I decided to get back into the swing of things at my grappling gym. I had eased off the morning classes because they were the “Fight team” practices and I didn’t want to slow down the big boys in the class. I decided I would take the class the other morning just because I missed it so much. That day we were working on take downs and take down defense. At the end of class, we did a little sparring. I was going with a “new” guy. We would do a take down then start back from the pummel set up. We got against the wall and he went to hip toss me but he did it the wrong way and rather than pulling me forward he pulled me to the side. I was looking down and I saw my knee cap slide laterally. I heard a really loud “pop” and my vision got a little blurry and I felt a pain that almost paralyzed me. I let out a big yelp and fell to the ground grabbing my knee. Trying not to look like a pussy in front of my boys I just sat there and rolled around until the pain subsided which was about 1 minute. I took some deep breathes, collected myself and was pleased that the pain was gone. I sat on the ground for a minute and bent my knee back and forth. no pain “great” I thought. I get up, take one step and fall on my ass again. It felt as if I had no leg. I could not put any weight on it without it giving way. The boys brought me ice and crutches and a pillow to elevate my knee. One of the guys rushed and got me some anti inflammatory meds. They all sat there and waited for me to get up. I was in really good hands. All the guys were super calm and collected and it made me not panic. I contacted my insurance company. They told me I will have to wait to see my primary. They said if I was in a lot of pain I could go to the Urgent care that wasn’t going to open for another 8 hours anyway. There wasn’t much the urgent care could do for me. I have to wait for the swelling to go down before I see my primary and before he can give me approval for anything like physical therapy or MRIs. It’s a bummer to say the least.  I have been staying off of it, icing it, compressing it, elevating it….my brother is a paramedic and I live with im so I’m in really good hands. I have a pimp cane I walk around with. I can not walk without it. I need a knee brace, without a brace my knee gives way and causes me great pain. I’ve been bed ridden the past few days so I’m catching up on lame tv crap that I’ve never seen before…what the hell are you people watching?

I don’t know that the full scope of this has settled into my brain. I know I will not be able to wrestle this year. I’m not depressed about it though. About this time last year I had surgery and had to take the remainder of the year off as well. I managed pretty well. I will miss wrestling for sure. As I get stability back into my leg I will be able to do boxing, so I guess I will focus on that this year. I actually see it as an opportunity to work on things I have been putting off. I will be doing more cam stuff out of my house since I won’t be working as much wrestling and that gives me an opportunity to talk with my fans more. So I am not upset of feeling sorry for myself. This is very unfortunate but it happens. I never put all my eggs in one basket, I’ve always had a back up plan. So my back up plan is affiliate marketing. I will be posting blogs about videos I do and the links to those videos will be my affiliate link. Any sales made from my blog come partially to me, so please, if you want to join a site, do it through the links on my blog please. THank you.

xoxoxo

My favorite brand of workout clothing is FighterGirl. I love their board shorts so much. For my training, I am required to wear board shorts and one of my gym T-shirts with my gym’s logo on it. I must wear a gym shirt with our logo but the shorts free reign. These are my all time most favorite brand in the world. Thank you so so much for getting these off my wishlist. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.!!!

I competed in my first ever fitness competition on July 21st in Sacramento CA. It was one of the most exciting things I’ve done in a long time. It was exciting because it was unchartered territory for me; it was new and challenging. I didn’t know what to expect going into the show. I have been a long time fan of the shows. I’ve gone to see several of my friends compete in shows. I always hear the same stuff from my friends. ” The shows are so political” “it’s who you know and who you blow” ” everyone in this industry is a little crazy” “diets make these people so nuts”….so there was a stigma to the shows in my mind. There wasn’t much positive stuff I’d ever heard of the shows. I’m actually not even sure why I would have subjected myself to doing the shows after all the bad stuff I’d heard about shows and the people who compete. The million dollar question everyone has been asking me happens to be ” Why are you competing in a fitness competition”. The answer to me is simple: Because I can. There is more to the answer however. I did some research and picked a show that I felt would be a good “first show”. I wanted one with a good reputation, one that would have great quality women so I would feel like it were a real competition and one where some of my friends would be competiting so I wouldn’t feel like a lost puppy back stage. I also wanted to compete in a division that was right for me. I belive I’m too muscual for bikini and not muscular enough for figure. The WBFF has a division called “fitness diva” that is perfect for girls with my body type.

The biggest fear I had was that of the girls behavior back stage. I have heard so many stories of girls sabotaging each other back stage or girls going nuts on each other back stage. I can handle myself with crazy people but I don’t want some pysycho raining on my parade when I’m supposed to be having a good time.  A good friend of mine offered to help me prepare for my first show. She helped me with costumed, diet, walking, smiling and every thing else I wouln’t have though to “work on”. She convinced me to do a WBFFshows.com event. I asked around and found out the WBFF had a great reputation of putting on professional looking shows that ran smoothly. My friend also was aware of what I do for work and told me that the WBFF would be happy for me to compete in their shows regardless of the filthy porn I shoot as long as when I posted to my fans, I stayed positive and almost “role modelish” …now I have an issue with that a little. I don’t want to be fake. I’m not ashamed of making porn but I’m not going to fake being nice to people if I don’t feel like it. Porn is one of the best industries for a rebel like myself to be in. I don’t have to worrry about pissing off sponsors so I can say and do what ever I like. I’m not a negative person but I will NOT be fake. everyone….I mean everyone, even those fitness models with those gorgeous smiles and flawless bodies who only tweet and FB about how awesome life is and how positive they are and happy this and happy that….everyone has moments when we say ” screw this, I’m done for now” we all need to check out and reground ourselves. We all have good days and bad days. We all have cars that get bird shit on them and we all step in puddles from time to time. I’m not gonna fake it like every moment of my life is awe inspiring…it’s just NOT. If you think I’m a good role model ( you probably need your head checked ) then great and if you don’t think I’m a good role model then you’re probably smart. But no ONE person on this earth is worthy of being anyone’s role model. We should all pick bits and pieces of people we admire and live up to those bits and pieces and stop putting pressure on anyone to be held accountable to be the example of how perfect people should be. Trust me, those celebrities you’re all in love with and look up to all do dirty filthy things…I have dirt on everyone! but I’m a good girl and i keep secrets so I’ll move on now…look over there, it’s a distraction     ————————->

I’ll tell you about my journy for prepping for the show. In one of my previous blogs, I wrote about how I was limited in my prep time. I will always be limited in my prep time. People have been asking me “why don’t you pick a show you can prep for the 12 weeks you need and go in ready rather than prepping in 4 weeks” again, for me the answer is simple. I will never have 12 weeks to get ready for a show. I am a competitive athlete. I do competitive sports year round for a living. I make money being strong. It was a huge financial burden to me to take 6 weeks off after I had breast augmentation surgery….you think I can take 12 weeks off to diet down for a fitness show? comeon now. Do you know what a fitness model makes for winning an amateur show? she makes exactly – $1000 give or take…thats a negative sign in front of that $1000. That’s right. It costs a lot of money for these shows. hair/makeup/customes/tanning/accomodations if it’s out of town/ registration for the show/special dietary foods and supplements. This isn’t something any gal off the street can just sign up to do unless she’s got a really great job or super rich sugar daddy or mommy and daddy. Then training for these shows is a full time job. cardio in the AM then weight training then cardio in the PM…then meal preps…don’t get me started..I was in the kitchen about 10 hours a week prepping meals and packaging them so I could take them to work with me. I am a obsessive nut. Everything needs to package nicely with lables on it. I had to weigh my food every time I ate. I had to carry around a friggin scale it was awesome looking like douche every time I ate. It certainly was a good ice breaker. People see me measuring my food and see how ripped I’m getting and they start asking me what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and how it works.

The upside and down side to getting super ripped

it’s pretty cool to have strangers come up to you and have them complement you on how awesome you look. I’m in pretty amazing shape year round so I get complimented a lot anyhow….oK I’m not trying to sound like a narcistic asshole…I AM going somewhere with this. ……..Nothing compared to the attention I got when i leaned down to 114lbs. I was having guys and girls literally fall over themselves to come open doors for me and ask me about what I do for a work out and compliment it. I love compliments, who doesn’t. The downside come after the show was over. I went several weeks on caloric deficit. I was a lean mean sex machine. I felt a mental toughness I hadn’t felt in years. Even from doing all the bondage I’ve done, the toughest I’ve ever felt was when I saw food I wanted and I turned it down. True discipline comes when you know you can have something but you chose NOT to….not when a dom doesn’t let you have it so you do what the dom wants until you can have what you want. I tortured myself for weeks on end. I grew so accustomed to not giving myself pleasures that soon I stopped craving them. I got so lean, so tiny. I felt like a different person…not like “I feel like  new man” or that crap…no I mean…to the touch, I didn’t have the body fat, I felt like a boy…..

Let me give you some back ground on myself and I’ll do this quickly since I’m rambling on and on anyway and this is getting unbearable to read I’m sure. From age 14 to 22 I struggled with body dismorphia and I struggled on and off for many years with anorexia and bulemia.  A lot of people who get into body building have body dysmorphic  view however for them, they think they are too small and need to get more and more muscles….same disorder, different reasons.

That’s the back ground…..here’s the downside to contests: I was being judged on my looks. I have never been judged on my looks. I go in to my competitions and I kick ass. I win, there is always a definite winner in the sport I do. I submit people. I pin people….I WIN. I have never been judged on looks. for months before I signed up for the fitness competition I stressed about “what if I’m not pretty enough in the judges eyes, what if I’m too fat, what if I’m too muscular for bikini, what if I’m not muscular enough for fitness” I stressed and stressed. When I started dieting, I got so many compliments and so many people telling me how “proud” they were of me. There was all this positive attention coming from dieting, from being skinny, from being something I wasn’t on a regular basis. Everyone wanted to know what the first thing I wanted to eat after the show would be. The first thing I ate was a salad because I was scared I would get fat. I had that salad and the next morning I weighed myself and I had put on 3lbs and I looked thicker. My old 14-22year old brain started to play tricks with me. I said ” you can’t ever eat like you use to because you’ll stop getting compliments’ and then the 32 year old fighter in me, bitch slapped that silly side of me and told her to shut the fuck up. I’m a strong person. I am eating well now and doing just fine. I’m back up to 124lbs and it’s only been 5 days since my show. I look fantastic. I look thick compared to the show girl I was but I’m more content. The thoughts I had concerned me. I wonder if other girls go through that. I wonder if a weaker girl would fall into the downward spiral of constantly needed reassurance that she looks good and she would starve herself and destroy her body to look good for some people. I do not know if eating disorders are common amongst fitness competitors but I wanted to share my story in hopes that it may reach someone who had similar thoughts and experiences. I consider myself to be a very strong individual and I am willing to help anyone who has struggled with body dysmorphic or self esteem issues.

enough rambling….so here are some pix from the show. I got 3rd in bikini. I was very honored to get put in top 3 considering all 7 ( I think there were 7…or maybe 9 girls…can’t remember) were stunning women. Seriously. The girls in the contest were extremely good looking and fit. I did not place top 3 in the fitness competition which I will be honest really bummed me out but I will come back stronger and more prepared next time. I do think I will do more of these contests. What ever stigmas the shows have had in the past are gone. The tans are not orange and gross looking. The women are extremely fit and feminine and sexy and fun and smart and awesome. ….as are the men I can’t forget about the men. The promoters are not sleazy. The fans are great….I had an amazing experience. Thank you to the WBFF for having me. I look forward to doing more competitions soon.